Awareness * Connection - Latest Comments

Re: A Factor to Consider with ADHD Treatment

Colleen Knox — Fri, 22 Mar 2019 08:45:59 -0000

Any chance for a link update?

Re: Why I Chose to Leave Teaching

zwislertz — Tue, 05 May 2015 17:27:12 -0000

Hmm... there are no laws in schools, but laws in the world, so change is good thing.

Re: Mark Twain on Adolescence

zwislertz — Tue, 05 May 2015 17:22:01 -0000

This is probably true for someone with a normal life, in terms of brain development I mean.

Re: Mark Twain on Adolescence

Visualelijah — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 15:16:23 -0000

He called his papa stupid.

Re: Two Paths and Yellow Jeeps

sewa mobil — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 12:18:55 -0000

Nice article, thanks for the information.

Re: Setting up for Sleep Success

Silly_sassy_me@hotmail.com — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 19:33:20 -0000

aww thats my friend now she is 13 awwww

Re: Unmotivated Kids

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 14:14:45 -0000

Just ran across this gentleman who certainly agrees with you and makes the argument quite persuasively: Ken Robinson Talk on Schools

Re: Unmotivated Kids

Ogradyhome — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 11:00:37 -0000

What happened? Three years into school and my son hates school and struggles to give any effort at all to his schoolwork. His new teacher this year descried him as "checked out" "unhappy" and "unmotivated." These descriptions of him broke my heart because that is not the child I have at home. He is in fact a very joyful child who loves life. Just not in the classroom. I've asked him whats going on in the classroom and he tells me that the work is so boring and "lame." I feel like the classroom environment is torture to him. I think he feels angry to be forced to do menial and repetitive work all day. He is a child that loves playing and hands on learning. I just wonder if traditional schoolwork is boring my child. I just wonder if learning was through play and more hand on activities we would see kids who develop a life long love of learning instead of these bored and burnt out kids that we are seeing. This has been a heartbreaking experience as a mother to put a bright and energetic kid who loves learning into school and slowly watch him change into a kid who's zest for life and learning is slowly being extinguished. Isn't there a way we can foster the natural love of learning that kids are born with. Why do we insist on forcing information into these little minds? I wish there was a school that really respects children and teaches them in the ways that they truly learn...through doing and playing!

Re: One Year Ago on Awareness * Connection: Helping Your Child with Back to School Anxiety

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 10:48:12 -0000

I can sure see how that can be a powerful mix of emotions...a significant milestone in your lives.

Re: One Year Ago on Awareness * Connection: Helping Your Child with Back to School Anxiety

locks22 — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:50:47 -0000

I just dropped my son off at university a couple of weeks ago. It was both a sad and happy experience for us all

Re: Why I Chose to Leave Teaching

Heather- A Mama's Blog — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 01:02:27 -0000

I didn't realize you had been a teacher too. My sister is a second-grade teacher and is becomingvery frustrated with a lot of the issues you mention. I agree, that we need to rethink our education.

Re: When Your Child Lies and Digs In, Part 3, Responding

Troy Malone — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 03:38:39 -0000

Very good analysis. Glad I stopped by!

Re: iDog, and Up and Out of the Tween

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 15:05:12 -0000

Very glad to hear a kid's perspective. Thanks for your well thought out comment. I see what you mean about giving a present and taking it away.

To explain my thinking on this, hearing can never be replaced once it is damaged. I speak from experience on that one. Also since she's only eight another alternative would have been to decide she was too young to have an iPod. I feel better with this conversation and making the use of the iPod contingent on her remembering to bring it back to us to readjust it (when going back and forth with the iDog eardrum piercing level, and regular listening settings). I guess I don't see contingency—it's okay to use X so long as you're willing to do it safely—as a threat. It just pointing out the conditions under which she can use it. To take a more extreme example, it would be the same if she'd purchased a car. Even if she bought it, she'd be free to use it so long as she wasn't endangering her or other people's lives.

This iDog sure complicated things a bit. If she only had the iPod we could just set the volume limiter and there would be no problem. It is the going back and forth from the settings for listening on her own and with iDog that created the problem.

These days iDog has gone the way of many toys. She doesn't use him anymore. Fortunately despite my imperfect parenting some issues just evaporate. She continues to thoroughly enjoy her iPod though.

Thanks again for your thoughtful input.

Re: iDog, and Up and Out of the Tween

Terra — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:20:46 -0000

Umm... Let me just say this. Way to go for being a protective paretn, that's good, I guess. But as a kid, I must tell you this, your daughter may eventually see you as controlling, not even trusting her to set the volume correctly, but I somewhat see your point of view. Protecting your daughter's ears is a great thing, and putting it this way won't make her get mad like lecturing or threatening would, but your still making a threat. The threat being, that if she forgets, then she loses her ipod that she bought with her money that she saved and earned. I myself think that's a little out of line, because she earned it. It's like giving someone a present, and then taking it away for a week because you forgot to say thank you immediately. Good luck with your parenting though, I'm very glad to see you care, unlike some parents, and I have little next to no doubt that you probably would have rather not had me write this. Good luck!

Re: Nothing Works for All Kids, Except the Stuff that Does

Shane — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:20:04 -0000

I like your positive approach to parenting. Thanks for sharing!

Shane
www.learningguardian.com

Re: Mother Looking Back on Doing Her Best to Help Her 5-Year-Old Cope with September 11th.

ffxi gil — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 11:16:20 -0000

Thanks for your nice post. Really I like your point of view. Thank you som much for sharing this with your readers clients.

Re: Demotivation Posters

DJ — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 02:20:37 -0000

Ahh... that picture is so true. A bunch of smart people with one dumb person makes a dumb group. You are only as strong as your weakest link and thats a fact. I love despair because it points out facts like that in such a humorous manner. Great post!

Re: Gottman: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:40:19 -0000

Hi Lauren,

Nice summary in you post. You clearly know your way around the psych literature. Adler also posited belonging and significance as being primary motivators. It was all theoretical at the time, but has held up well over time.

I think Goleman and Gottman would claim that the core skills involved in emotional intelligence (as you point out that Gardner lables inter- and intra-personal intelligence) are central to how people do in life. They would say more central than IQ.

I think EQ is a bit of a pop psychology term, and isn't used much by researchers, but I do think it communicates something for folks who aren't conversant in psychology. I do think something like EQ is central to functioning, but I think that general intelligence has some overlap with it. I also think that relatively innate temperament traits have a lot to do with what Gottman calls EQ. If you're an introverted monkey, no amount of learning is likely to propel you to being a supremely influential alpha. Your temperament is going to set the range on where the learning will take you. To get metaphorical, it creates valleys in the topography that shape the general direction.

Temperament sets those outter limits on reactivity and regulation, but experience can shape those further. That's where Love and Logic comes in. I think you captured it well saying that it helps to teach what you are and are not responsible for. Love and Logic plays a large role in helping children increase their sense of agency or self efficacy using the sorts of everyday challenges that come up. The empathy creates an increased level of openness and flexibility in the child. Scaffolding along with that empathy with an eye to helping kids build a responsibility outlook, in incremental steps helps kids to learn that their poor decisions have consequences, but that they are able to learn from those and make amends when necessary. It also teaches them with scaffolding and incremental steps that they have a lot of potential positive influence on their environment for their good and for the good of others. As a relative of Adlerian psychology it has a focus on the connection with society (the community) being essential to functioning well in life.

I've gotta run for now, but I'll just add that kids raised with something like Love and Logic learn how to make productive decisions the way you learn a foreign language...by doing it. Also the conditions of empathy foster growth in any number of areas. They certainly helpful with learning personal and social skills. Young brains that are nurtured in an empathic environment are more able to engage in perspective taking which is very helpful no matter what job you end up with in adult life. Empathy by itself results in permissive parenting that is less than helpful. Limits with no empathy is authoritarian. Striking a balance between the two leads to what parenting research calls authoritative parenting. It is the sweet spot where kids end up with the best outcomes.

Hope that helps. ~Michael

Re: Gottman: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Lauren — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:47:26 -0000

Thank you so much for the interesting and practical post. I agree that we need to be concerned with the emotional intelligence of children. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Goleman points out that the first twenty years of life are a window of opportunity for shaping a child. The areas of the brain responsible for focusing and calming are still works in progress. Additionally, the teenage years see problems with impulsivity as the prefrontal cortex continues to develop. From your post it is clear that setting limits and always having an empathic ear are important, especially as the child gets older. Past and current research seems to support this idea as well. Dr. Howard Gardner lists inter- and intra- personal intelligence as two of his core seven intelligences and Abraham Maslow lists “belongingness” as a basic human need. My question is how do you think Emotional Intelligence helps children later in life? Despite all the research on EQ, seems that there is some controversy over exactly how emotional intelligence contributes to success in relationships, at work, etc. as the child grows up. From your explanation of setting limits and offering empathy, I see EQ as important in at least two main areas. First, part of growing up is learning what we are and are not responsible for. I think it can be easy for parents to shoulder children’s responsibilities and vice versa. Setting clear limits with designated consequences teaches children, in a supportive way, to take responsibility for their actions. Related to this concept is the second way in which I see EQ as important: self-regulation. From a young age, children must learn to identify and cope with emotions so that they are able to adjust to the demands of any given situation. Practicing empathy with children probably helps them to learn self-regulation as well as important interpersonal skills. As a parenting coach, how do you explain the lasting important implications of your “Love and Logic” strategy?

Re: Kelso Helps Kids Practice Problem Solving Skills

John R. Clark — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:26:27 -0000

If you are a counselor looking for a good program that can be easily and economically implemented to reduce conflict and violence on your campus, then look no further than Kelso's Choice.

John R. Clark
Ft. Worth, Texas

Re: Nothing Works for All Kids, Except the Stuff that Does

Barb Desmarais — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:06:59 -0000

Michael, I could not agree with you more. With parenting there is not a "one size fits all" solution but as you say there are a few basic principles that apply to everyone. The need for attention and power and control are among the most powerful. I think that is often why books can't address everything because every family situation is unique and bad behavior often has nothing to do with the child but everything to do with what's happening within the family.

Re: Gorslini's Fabulous Quesadillas

kristina — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:48:20 -0000

Love recipes. Yum.

Re: The Joys of Ziti

kristina — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:47:36 -0000

I love baked ziti, though I do vegetarian style. Not as good, says my meat-eating husband. Enjoyed this post.

Re: Save the Words for the Happy Times, Part IV: The Art of the Delayed Consequence

kristina — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 06:25:55 -0000

This is great advice. I particularly like the chore scenario, where the boy was expecting $5 and did not receive it. My kids are under 5 but knowing that delayed consequences can be effective once kids are older is good to know. I was always under the impression that consequences needed to be immediate.

Re: Save the Words for the Happy Times, Part IV: The Art of the Delayed Consequence

Michael@Awareness * Connection — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:04:13 -0000

Hey Beth. I like that Horse Whisperer one. Anything to help us create a pause. That's good

I may not have communicated that piece clearly about the timeline, but that is part of the collaborative setting up of the chores on the front end. I advocate agreeing ahead of time when the chore needs to be done by so the kid can decide what works for them anytime before it is due. That's the principle of shared control that runs through all the ideas on working with kids that I write about here.

So the child gets input into when that is, within reason. I think you're right that having a window within which they can choose when to get it done avoids an awful lot of problems in the long run, and helps kids to learn how to take responsibility to contributing to the household. In the story Jon had already passed that deadline that he agreed to and is blowing his Mom's request off, which is why Mom feels pretty good about doing something about it.

Thanks for stopping by and for weighing in Beth.